Moments of Disarray Read online

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not interested in being your self-hating rationale,” he told Luke flatly. “I’m not ashamed of who I am.”

  The lie was sweet instead of bitter. Poisoned sugar on his tongue. He was ashamed of who he was, but for a hundred thousand other reasons, not because he liked dick.

  Luke didn’t move toward him. He sank heavily onto the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry. I’m an asshole.”

  “Yeah. Kind of.”

  Luke lifted his chin. “You want to take a shot at me?”

  “Oh, God. No.” Alex shook his head and laughed, stepping back.

  “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

  Luke looked sincere. Apologetic. Big puppy eyes, paired with that bruiser of a body. He might not know how appealing he looked, but then again, Alex thought, he might.

  “You looked like a straight frat boy who’d had just enough to drink to make him not care where the blowjob came from,” Alex told him. “Considering we were in a country bar, I took a chance on getting a punch in the face or my dick sucked. Felt like it could go either way.”

  Luke considered this. “Has that ever happened to you?”

  “I’m pretty fucking irresistible, so not usually. But yes. I’ve guessed wrong a few times.”

  “You weren’t wrong about me,” Luke said this in a voice so low Alex almost didn’t hear him.

  “Nope.” Alex moved closer to nudge apart Luke’s thighs so he could stand between them. He cupped the other man’s face in his hands, tipping Luke’s face upward.

  Luke didn’t say anything else.

  Alex shrugged and moved away from him. “Like I said, there’s the door.”

  Luke stood. “I guess I’ll go.”

  When the other guy had reached the door, Alex said, “I don’t ever have to beg to get laid. And I fucking hate feeling when someone expects sex to equal anything other than getting laid.”

  Luke paused without turning. “Yeah? So?”

  “But I don’t know anyone here, and I had a good time today,” Alex said. “So if you want to hang out again, show me around, I’ve got business here for another week or two. Maybe longer. Maybe less.”

  Still without turning, Luke said, “Yeah, sure. That would be cool.”

  “Cool.” Alex smiled, even though Luke couldn’t see it.

  “I’ve got some stuff I have to do tomorrow, and I have class on Monday, then work. But Tuesday I don’t have class, and I have the day off.”

  “Tuesday, then,” Alex said.

  Chapter 5

  If money couldn’t buy happiness, it sure as hell could rent it for a while. Alex had cash in his pocket and a credit card with a spending limit so vast even he would have a hard time reaching it. Better than that, he had the money in his bank accounts to cover any debt he racked up. He’d worked hard enough to make it possible for him to never work again, or at least for a long time, but what exactly was he supposed to do if he didn’t work?

  He wasn’t going to let himself think about his father, who’d often called him lazy, but there was no denying that not getting up before eleven if he didn’t want to and spending all of Monday watching television hadn’t done much to make Alex feel productive. But fuck the old man, he thought sourly. That asshole could work himself into the ground and never be close to the success Alex had made of himself. Too bad he didn’t have anyone to share it with.

  Again as it almost always did, his mind flashed to Jamie. And then of course, to Anne. It didn’t matter that it was no good to think of her, to remember the taste of her kiss or the scent of her hair. It was no good to tell himself he’d done the right thing by leaving the way he had. None of it was good because he wasn’t good, and he never would be.

  When the knock came at his hotel room door, Alex considered not opening it. He’d made the invitation to Luke in a moment of weakness and truth — he had enjoyed the day with the younger man, and he didn’t know anyone else in Philadelphia, not anyone he could count on to hang out with, anyway. But there’d been more there Alex did not want to think about, and sure as shit did not want to tell Luke. So he tossed around the idea of simply not answering the door, until the knock came again and he groaned under his breath at what an idiot he could be.

  “Brought you coffee,” Luke said when Alex opened the door. His grin broadened. “And chocolate croissants.”

  “You didn’t have to. But thanks. C’mon in.” Alex waved him inside and took the coffee and bakery bag.

  “Are you into, like, weird stuff?”

  The question surprised him. “You mean like getting tied up? Or tying someone up? Or something kinkier than that, like with feet or something?”

  “Like with…feet…what the…?” Luke looked stunned. A crimson flush rose up his throat from where his unbuttoned flannel shirt showed his bare skin above the scooped neck of his t-shirt.

  Alex laughed. “Not what you meant?”

  “I don’t think so, no. I meant like, are you into the world’s biggest ball of twine or carnival side shows, that sort of weird stuff.” Luke shook his head and sipped his own coffee. “Not umm….”

  “Gotcha.” Alex laughed again. “Sorry. I guess so? I mean, sure. Can’t say I’ve ever been to a carnival sideshow. I didn’t even know they still had things like that.”

  “I don’t know if they do, to be honest.”

  Alex stared at the younger guy. “Are you always honest?”

  “Umm…” Luke seemed taken aback, then abashed. “Nobody’s always honest.”

  “That’s the damned truth.”

  Luke frowned, but the expression smoothed after a moment or so. He moved closer to Alex. “I try to be as honest as I can, I guess. What about you?”

  “Not me. I’m a Liar McLiarson. Pretty much every word out of my mouth is a lie,” Alex said.

  “So then you’re lying about being a liar?”

  “I guess you’ll never know,” Alex said. Being charming, because that’s what he was good at.

  Luke had a great laugh. Full bodied. It made Alex smile.

  “I thought we could go check out the Mütter Museum,” Luke said. “It’s got a plaster cast of the original Siamese twins, Chang and Eng.”

  “Whoa.” Alex wasn’t sure what to say about that, other than it sounded messed up. Fun, but messed up.

  “If you don’t want to, we don’t have to,” Luke said hastily. “I just thought —”

  Alex stepped forward and kissed him.

  Luke moaned lightly, his lips parting for the invasion of Alex’s tongue. Alex pulled him closer, pressing their lower bodies together. Grinding a little. He was already getting hard. So was Luke. The meaty thickness of his cock nudged his jeans, and when Alex put a hand between them to cup the other man’s groin, Luke pushed into the touch with a greedy, desperate sigh.

  In the next moment, Luke dropped to his knees and tugged open Alex’s button and zipper. He freed Alex’s cock with a tug, pushing the denim over Alex’s thighs. Luke took Alex’s dick deep into his mouth, no hesitation this time. The head of it nudged the back of Luke’s throat, and it was Alex’s turn to moan.

  He hadn’t expected this, not exactly this, but he wasn’t going to turn it down. He put a hand on Luke’s head, not guiding but encouraging. Luke might not have had much experience, but he made up for that with enthusiasm and generosity. He added a hand to the shaft, stroking as he sucked, the way Alex had told him to that first night.

  It was good. Pleasure was the quickest way Alex had always found to force away any kind of thought — the bad and the good, but it was those dark thoughts he was interested in ignoring now. He let himself fall into the sensations of Luke’s mouth and hand. He pushed forward into the wet, hot grip of Luke’s lips and tongue, focusing on the building ecstasy.

  Sometimes he could get off in minutes. Today it was taking longer. Luke, on purpose or without knowing it, was drawing out the blowjob by switching up the pace and rhythm, keeping Alex on the edge but never letting h
im go over. By the time he did explode into Luke’s mouth, Alex had stopped being able to think of anything other than that white-hot moment of orgasm.

  Gasping out a guttural growl, he came. His knees buckled. His fingers twisted through the too-short brush of Luke’s hair. By the time he was able to open his eyes and draw in a breath, he was steadier on his feet. He looked down at the other man, who was staring up at him with a heavy lidded look of satisfaction.

  “Holy shit,” Alex said.

  Luke got to his feet, seeming a little startled when Alex moved to kiss him. When Alex urged his mouth to open, Luke moaned a little. The taste of himself on Luke’s tongue sent a latent thrill through Alex, still pulsing with the aftershocks of his climax.

  “I wanted that,” Luke said.

  Alex stepped back with a nod and tucked himself into his jeans again. “Good.”

  “I wanted…you,” Luke added.

  “I don’t blame you,” Alex told him with a grin.

  Luke smiled after a second and ducked his head, kind of shy, although when he looked up again, his gaze never wavered from Alex’s. “It was good, wasn’t it?”

  “Fuck, yes. It was very good.” Acting on an impulse he wasn’t sure he understood, Alex put his hand on Luke’s cheek. Then the other hand, to cup Luke’s face. He brought the other man closer to him for another kiss. “You were great.”

  Luke hugged him and buried his face against the side of Alex’s neck. Alex, unsure of what to do, put his arms around him. He patted Luke’s back, hoping to hell the guy wasn’t crying. When Luke stepped away, his gaze was bright, but there were no tears.

  “So…do you want to go to that museum?”

  Chapter 6

  The Mütter Museum turned out to be a hella good time. Odd exhibits in a cool old building. Luke had been there only once before, so he was as interested in seeing everything as Alex was. They spent a couple hours viewing the exhibits, and although there was still no hand-holding or anything like that, thank God, Alex found himself looking at Luke often. Thinking about that blowjob. Thinking about kissing him.

  They had dinner in a tiny Korean restaurant Alex found by searching his phone. They shared an appetizer and bites of their main dishes off the chopsticks Luke handled with impressive aplomb.

  “I’m not a total redneck hick,” Luke told him when Alex must’ve seemed surprised. He waved the chopsticks in the air. “I like country bars. That doesn’t make me ridiculous.”

  Alex had the sense to be chagrined, an uncommon reaction for him. “Point taken.”

  “So…what brought you to Philly?” Luke delicately plucked a couple of shrimp from the dish in front of him to tuck into his mouth, leaving his lips glistening sensually with grease in a way Alex knew he didn’t realize. “Business?”

  “Yeah. Sort of. Mostly the airport.” Alex laughed at Luke’s face. “A buddy of mine that I met in Japan promised to help me with some leads on jobs here, and he’s in Harrisburg. The Philadelphia airport was the most convenient flight for when I was coming from Europe. I ended up here, and since I’m between jobs right now, figured it was as good a place as any to crash for a while.”

  “What do you do?”

  Alex took a few bites of his noodles and washed them down with a slug of beer before answering. “Mostly cause trouble.”

  “Uh huh.” Luke laughed and shrugged. “I work at the Wawa. I’m trying to get a teaching job. Math. Middle school. It’s harder than I thought it was going to be.”

  “Wow. Middle school math.”

  Luke nodded. “Yeah. I’m starting to think I’m going to have to apply somewhere else. Move away.”

  “Would that be bad?” Alex tilted his head to study the other man.

  “I think people would miss me.” Luke said this without so much as a hint of arrogance.

  Alex’s mouth twisted momentarily. “I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of my town. I went as far away as I could.”

  “Have you ever been back?”

  “Yes.” Alex thought about saying more, but did not.

  “And?”

  Alex shook his head. “And nothing. It was the same hellhole it had always been. I never want to go back there, if I can help it.”

  His phone began to jangle from his pocket, the distinctive guitar line of AC/DC’s Back in Black. Jamie. Alex pulled the phone from his pocket and slid a finger along the screen to send the call to voicemail. He looked up to see Luke staring at him curiously.

  “An old friend,” Alex said. “I’ll call him back later.”

  He probably wouldn’t. At least not tonight. It was only the second time James had tried calling. He didn’t even know for sure that Alex was back in the States, and that was okay with Alex. He wasn’t ready yet.

  “Boyfriend?”

  Alex shook his head. Luke nodded and concentrated on his meal. He sat back with a sigh to drink some water.

  “Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked abruptly.

  Alex snort-laughed. “If I did, would I be fucking you in a hotel?”

  “I don’t know. Would you?”

  Just because that might be true didn’t mean Alex had to like it. His phone buzzed. Voicemail.

  “Maybe you should call him back,” Luke said.

  Alex frowned. “Look, it’s not really any of your fucking business, okay? But he’s not my boyfriend. If he was my boyfriend, I wouldn’t be here with you.”

  “It’s not my business, you’re right.”

  Alex finished his bottle of beer and scowled. “You’re not my boyfriend, either. Just so we’re clear.”

  “I didn’t think I was.” Luke’s eyebrows rose. “I don’t want to be, either.”

  Something in his tone didn’t sit right with Alex. He couldn’t be insulted by it, since he was the one making sure Luke knew there was nothing more between them beyond a few good times. But somehow, he was.

  “I’m an awesome boyfriend,” Alex said after a minute.

  Luke laughed. “I doubt that.”

  “The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

  “You make eyes at everyone who walks through the door. Or they’re hitting on you. If you were someone’s boyfriend, they’d never be able to relax.” Luke shrugged.

  “You mean they wouldn’t be able to trust me?”

  Luke looked him over, assessing. “I don’t know you well enough to know that for sure. I just see how people look at you. How you look at them. You already told me, you’re an equal opportunity slut. That would be really hard for anyone to handle.”

  “When I’m with someone I….” Alex could not bring himself to use the word “love.” “I’m totally capable of being faithful, when I want to be.”

  “I guess, personally, I’d always worry about whether or not you wanted to be. Anyway, when you say it like that, you make it sound like some people don’t have a choice, that cheating is something they can’t help. But everyone is capable of being faithful, Alex. It’s always only if they want to be.” Luke said the last in a low, grating tone. His eyes never leaving Alex’s, he downed his beer and set the bottle on the table with a thump.

  “Can I get you guys anything else?” The hot little server who’d taken their orders was back. She flicked a glance at Luke, but gave Alex her full attention. “Something else from the bar? Dessert?”

  “I think we’re good,” Luke said.

  She glanced at him again, her demeanor professional. She looked back at Alex. “You sure? I’d hate for you to go away…hungry.”

  “Yeah, man,” Luke cut in when Alex didn’t answer. His tone was both amused and annoyed. “Wouldn’t want you to go away hungry.”

  Irritated, out of sorts for a reason he didn’t want to examine, Alex turned his grin on the server. Full force. She’d probably thought she was the one doing the flirting, he thought, but she had no. Fucking. Clue.

  “I do have an insatiable appetite,” he said to her.

  The server looked a little stunned before she rallied. “I’d be happy to help
you appease it. Just let me know if there’s anything else I can get you. Anything.”

  “Just the check,” Alex said.

  When she brought it back to slide in front of Alex, it had her number scrawled on it. He signed the credit card slip and tucked the receipt with her number into his pocket. Luke didn’t say a word as they gathered their jackets and headed out. The restaurant was only a block or so from the river, so they could walk back along it in the direction of his hotel, and that’s what Alex started doing without so much as a comment. Luke followed.

  Alex’s phone rang again. Back in Black. Jamie. Again, he didn’t answer. Again the phone chimed with a voicemail. He hadn’t yet listened to the first one.

  “He really wants to talk to you,” Luke said.

  Alex whirled on him. “What difference does it make to you?”

  “I know, none of my business. Shit, dude. I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know how to fucking navigate this. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I was just being honest.” Luke’s voice rose as he kept the pace with Alex. “Let me just grab a ride from here. You can go call that waitress, take her home. She was obviously angling for it.”

  “Maybe I will,” Alex said.

  Luke waved an angry hand. “Fine by me, what the hell do I care?”

  “What do you care?” Alex stopped walking.

  Luke kept going for a step or two before stopping himself. He turned back. “I don’t!”

  “Fine,” Alex snapped. He tore the receipt out of his pocket and held it up. “Maybe I will call her. Maybe I’ll invite her over to my room. Maybe I’ll go down on her, eat that sweet pussy until she screams, then fuck her until she can’t walk.”

  “Go ahead!”

  Alex tore the paper into pieces and shoved it into the open trash can nearest him. It reeked of old garbage and piss. He felt instantly dirty from the stink of it. Cities stank. He should get out of here. Find someplace clean and quiet. A small town.

  “Fuck you,” he said to Luke without looking at him. “I don’t even fucking know you. And I don’t owe you shit.”

  Luke made a low noise, but didn’t come any closer. Alex pulled out his phone to use the maps function to get his bearings. His hotel was easily walkable from here, if he wanted to try and figure it out and who knew, risk getting jumped along the way.