Moments of Disarray Read online

  “Shit,” Alex muttered and rested his forehead against the door.

  This wouldn’t be the first time he’d gained an admirer after what should have been a simple one-night stand, but he’d thought Luke knew the drill. Certainly the guy had been eager enough to fuck off out of there the night before without so much as a “can we cuddle?” moment, something for which Alex was grateful.

  Another knock came, and Alex groaned. He opened the door a crack, well-aware he wore only a pair of low slung jeans, no shirt, his feet bare. He was showered, but barely. He’d had coffee, but again, only what could be considered coffee by the narrowest of margins, as it had come from the hotel room’s shitty coffee maker. He was probably going to die of some mold-related disease.

  “Hey.” In one hand, Luke held up a white paper bakery bag dotted with grease and a small cardboard tray holding two large insulated cups in the other.

  Alex opened the door and stepped aside to let him in, offering the way with a small gesture. He closed the door behind Luke. “Hey.”

  Luke set the drinks and bag on the small desk that this hotel had decided made this room a “business suite.” Today he wore a pair of faded jeans, a black-and-red flannel shirt over a black Henley, and black boots. Blond bristles stood out on his chin and cheeks, and his eyes looked a little red. Like maybe he hadn’t had enough sleep, Alex thought with a small internal grin he didn’t show — he didn’t want Luke getting the wrong idea about anything.

  “I know you said last night that the worst part of living in a hotel was having to run out for coffee or order room service, so I figured you might like this,” Luke said.

  Alex’s eyebrows rose. “I said that?”

  “Yeah. At The Rusty Nail.” Luke coughed into his fist. “Before you asked me if I wanted to come home with you.”

  “Ah, man, the night’s a little blurry to be honest. I’ll gladly take that coffee, though.” Alex held out a hand. Luke pressed a hot cup into it, and Alex tipped it to his mouth with a grateful sigh.

  “I have cream and sugar, if you want it.”

  “Nah. This is good.” Alex sipped again. “Look, about last night…”

  “I get it,” Luke cut in. “I’m not trying to…umm…I mean, look, I didn’t come here to get laid again.”

  Alex sipped coffee again. Gestured at the bakery bag but said nothing. Luke opened it, pulled out a chocolate croissant and held it up with a questioning expression. Alex nodded, and it passed into his hand the way the coffee had.

  “Thanks,” he said. “I was starving.”

  Luke cleared his throat again. “I just thought you might like some breakfast.”

  “How do you know I didn’t have some already? Or that I’d be here?”

  Luke laughed, and fuck-a-doodle-doo, there was a set of dimples on each side of his mouth. Alex no longer had to wonder what had prompted him to take this guy home. The evidence was right there. Dimples.

  “You also said that you were not a morning person and that you liked chocolate croissants, because we passed the bakery on the way back here. You don’t remember any of this?”

  “Not so much.” Alex shrugged and took a bite of the croissant. Ahhh. Sugar. Caffeine. He eyed Luke as he chewed. The guy looked antsy.

  Shit. Was there going to be some kind of declaration? A confession? It was too damned early for drama. It was always too early for that.

  “Okay,” was all Luke said. He pried the other cup out of the paper tray and drank it too fast, wincing and muttering “ouch” as he burned his mouth.

  Alex said wryly, “Careful.”

  “Do you have plans for today?” Luke asked suddenly. Bluntly.

  Alex considered this, taking his time in answering by looking around the room. Sipping some coffee. He took another small bite of the croissant and washed it down with more coffee.

  “I was hoping I could just hang out with you today,” Luke said before Alex decided how he wanted to answer.

  Alex sighed. “Look, man…I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

  “It’s a terrible idea,” Luke agreed.

  “So…why do you want to do it, then?” Intrigued, Alex looked him over.

  Luke shrugged. Obviously there was a lot more going on under that blond hair, but he wasn’t going to let it out. He looked Alex in the eye, though, and his gaze was straightforward and open.

  Alex had nothing on his agenda for the day other than sending some emails to follow up on a few consulting gigs that had come his way. He owed some replies to stateside friends he’d promised he’d contact when he got here from being overseas, and although he’d been here for a while, he hadn’t yet managed. He owed Jamie at least a phone call, which he’d been putting off and still didn’t want to make.

  “Sure. Okay. Let’s hang out,” he said.

  Luke’s smile looked relieved. “Great.”

  Chapter 3

  “So…that’s the Liberty Bell.” Alex chuckled with a shake of his head. They’d waited in line for half an hour to see it, looked at it for two minutes, then moved on.

  Luke grinned. “Yep. That was it.”

  “Thanks for taking me to see it, I guess.” Alex shoved a hand in his jeans pocket as they left the building in which the bell was housed. “I was expecting something a little more impressive, not going to lie.”

  “Ain’t that the way, though? Everything you wait so long for ends up being kind of underwhelming. Kind of like cheesesteaks.”

  Alex gave Luke a sideways glance. “You shut your whore mouth. Cheesesteaks are awesome.”

  Luke laughed after a startled look, probably at Alex’s choice of admonition. “Oh, yeah, but around here, people act like Geno’s and Pat’s are the only place to get one. Truth is, I can take you to a place with a cheesesteak so good it will practically make you…”

  “Cream my jeans?” Alex prompted when Luke didn’t finish his sentence.

  Luke laughed again, this time uncomfortably. “Something like that.”

  “Not a fan of coming in my pants, to be honest. Kind of messy.” Alex turned around to walk a few steps backward while watching Luke’s face carefully for a reaction.

  They’d spent the afternoon sightseeing, and Luke had never once so much as made the effort to flirt. Didn’t try to take Alex’s hand, not that he was much for hand holding. No innuendos. His last comment had sounded offhanded, not something meant to get a rise out of Alex. It was curiouser and curiouser, as that little freak Alice was fond of saying.

  “Luke!”

  The male voice from behind them turned Alex in that direction. Luke turned too, his shoulders going stiff and straight. His jaw clenched and set.

  “Hey, buddy.” The man jogging up to them was a real bro. Long basketball shorts, a sleeveless tank, backwards baseball cap. He clapped Luke on the shoulder and rounded on Alex with a hand out. “Hey. Brent. I’m Luke’s brother.”

  “Fraternity, not sibling,” Luke said. “This is Alex.”

  “Alex, nice to meetcha.” Brent pumped Alex’s hand several times before dropping it.

  He shifted from foot to foot in the way runners did at stop lights, so they didn’t lose their momentum or whatever the fuck. Alex never ran, so he had no idea why they did that. Alex took a step back.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “What are you up to, man?” Brent asked Luke.

  “Ahh….just, umm, just showing Alex around the city.”

  Brent grinned, still jogging in place. “You from out of town, huh?”

  “Yeah,” Alex answered smoothly.

  “Cool, cool. Hey, get him to take you to Pat’s, King of Steaks, man. Don’t let him try to take you to Geno’s! Luke, see you later.” Brent shook Alex’s hand again, slapped Luke on the back hard enough to stagger him forward a step, then ran off.

  Alex said nothing for a moment, but when he looked at Luke, he couldn’t hold back the laughter. “Whoa.”

  “He’s a good guy.” Luke sounded a little defensive, but then he laughed, t
oo.

  “I’ll tell you what, though, I could eat the fuck out of a cheesesteak.”

  Luke grinned. “Okay, but I told you, I’m not taking you to either one of those places. I’ve got a little dive bar favorite. I’ll take you there. And…hey, thanks for not. You know.”

  “Dropping to my knees and blowing you right here in the middle of the street in front of your frat brother? No problem.” Alex kept his tone neutral, an eye on Luke’s expression.

  Luke had the good grace to look a little ashamed, but he gave an honest answer. “Yeah. That.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like I was expecting you to take me home to meet your mom. We hooked up. Once.” Alex held up a finger. He didn’t point out that Luke had been the one to show up at his room this morning, that Luke had been the one to ask him to hang out.

  “Brent wouldn’t understand.”

  “Seriously,” Alex said. “It’s fine.”

  Luke shook his head. “It’s not fine. It’s a douche move on my part, to act like you’re just some friend or something. Instead of, well…shit.”

  They were blocking the traffic on the sidewalk, and Luke’s voice had risen enough to attract attention. Alex didn’t care much if the entire city of Philadelphia knew that he liked to get his dick sucked by other dudes, but somehow he didn’t think Luke felt the same way. He gestured.

  “Why don’t you take me to this dive bar,” he suggested.

  Chapter 4

  Alex had eaten cheesesteaks before, but the ones around home weren’t like this. Soft hoagie roll, Cheese Whiz, thin sliced steak, onions. It was the Whiz that really got to him. It should’ve been disgusting, but he’d already devoured his entire sandwich and was eyeing the one Luke had ordered but had barely touched. He had, however, downed two pints of beer while Alex ate.

  “I’m done.” Alex pushed back from his plate with a sigh and stifled a belch. He’d had one beer to Luke’s two, and was sticking more with water today. “Man, that was perfect. Thanks.”

  “Welcome.”

  Alex wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. They were almost the only ones in here, seated at the tiny two-top, so when he leaned forward he was pretty close to Luke’s face. “So. You want to talk, or what?”

  “Talk?”

  “You showed up at my hotel room, specifically not asking for another round, which, you know, taken the wrong way could hurt a fella’s feelings. You show me all around the city, which was a helluva nice thing to do for a stranger. You brought me here for a truly stellar sandwich. It’s clear you want to talk to me about something, man. And look, I’m not much of an Agony Aunt, usually—”

  “Agony Aunt?”

  “Like an advice columnist,” Alex explained. “I mean, normally, to be honest, I’m a ‘live and let live’ kind of motherfucker. Or maybe I’m a ‘look out for number one’ sort of guy. Whatever, I’m not the dude to come to when you need some sort of emotional support or anything like that. Usually.”

  “But you are today?”

  Alex sat back with a small groan and rubbed his stomach. He wasn’t about to explain everything about karma and his past to Luke. He barely wanted to think about it himself. “Let’s just say you caught me at a weird time.”

  “Yeah. I guess you could say the same about me.” Luke tossed back the rest of his beer and sighed.

  “Are you going to eat that?”

  Luke shook his head. Alex pulled the sandwich closer. He was probably going to regret eating it, but fuck that, he was probably going to regret this conversation.

  “Last night changed my life,” Luke said.

  Alex finished the bite he was chewing. Swallowed. Washed his mouth clean with some water. A jokey comment rose to his lips, but something stopped him.

  “Okay,” was all he replied.

  “Get you something else?” The craggy faced bartender had come over to grab their empty glasses.

  “I think we’re good.” Alex grabbed for the check before Luke could take it, waving a hand at the other guy. “Dude. No. I got this.”

  Check paid, sandwich boxed up because it would make a delicious breakfast, Alex was leading Luke back to his hotel room so he could put the food in the mini-fridge. And also because he suspected that whatever was still percolating in Luke’s innards was going to come out in a way that Luke would appreciate nobody else seeing. Luke had protested, just a little, at going back to Alex’s room— but Alex was extremely persuasive when he wanted to be.

  “Grab a seat.” He didn’t look at Luke as he popped the leftover box into the fridge. “Want a drink?”

  “Just water. Do you have water?”

  Alex handed him a bottle of water and took one for himself. He sat in the other chair, a good distance from Luke. “I knew when I was about ten.”

  “Knew?” Luke looked startled.

  “Knew I was into guys. Also girls,” Alex added. “But I was ten when I figured it out. I couldn’t admit that for a long time. I told myself and other people, too, that I had other reasons for fucking guys. But the truth is, I always wanted to.”

  Luke leaned back in his chair and ran both hands through his hair. “I haven’t figured out a damn thing! What’s wrong with me?”

  “Nothing’s wrong with you. It’s who you are. That’s all. If you like guys, you just do.” Alex couldn’t keep the disgust out of his voice, but he did try to tone it down, and damn, look at him, being all kind and considerate and shit. He sent a silent two thumbs up to the universe, hoping he was going to get some points for all this. Knowing that in the end, it wouldn’t matter. It couldn’t change all the damage he’d done.

  Luke let out a hitching breath that ended up sounding like a groan. “I don’t want it to be who I am.”

  “You don’t have a choice, man.”

  Luke looked at him. “If you like to be with women, why don’t you just…fuck, man. Why not just be with women?”

  Alex had asked himself that question more than once, even a few times with that same measure of self-loathing that Luke had all over his face and in his voice. “Because it’s not simple like that. Because I’m not straight. And by the way you sucked my cock last night, I’m going to say that you’re not, either.”

  “Fuck you!” Luke stood. Water sloshed in the bottle he hadn’t even cracked open.

  Alex stood, too. “Isn’t that what you want?”

  He was only half-prepared for the swing Luke took at him, but the bigger guy seemed only half-trying to hit him. Alex stepped back in time to catch only a glancing hit to the jaw. It still hurt like fuck, but didn’t lay him out. He had no doubts Luke could’ve done that if he wanted to, with half the effort he’d just made.

  “Fuck you,” Luke said again, this time in a whisper.

  “The door is right there. All you have to do is walk out of it.”

  Luke looked over his shoulder, then back at Alex. In two steps, he was within reach. He grabbed Alex by the shoulders. Slanted his mouth across Alex’s. Sloppy, no finesse, just desperation. Greed and need. Alex didn’t move, didn’t even put his hands up to hold onto Luke. He opened his mouth for the kiss. Luke pulled away, still gripping Alex by the shoulders.

  “If you’re going to hit me again,” Alex said, “at least let me tell you my safe word.”

  Luke blinked rapidly. Took a step back, letting go. “I don’t even know what that means.”

  “It doesn’t mean anything. It was a joke.”

  “I’m a joke?”

  Alex shook his head, wishing it wasn’t so easy to fuck up so hard with other people’s feelings. “No, man. You’re not a joke.”

  Luke’s fists clenched. Released. Clenched again. Alex braced himself to duck out of the way of another swing, but Luke didn’t try to hit him.

  “I just don’t know what to do,” Luke said. “Everything is fucked up in my head. I shouldn’t be here.”

  “But you are.”

  “I shouldn’t have come here last night!”

  “But you wanted
to, and it sounds like something you wanted for a long time. And there’s nothing wrong with what happened. We were safe,” Alex added, thinking that might be a part of Luke’s worry.

  When the other man didn’t say anything, Alex put his hands on Luke’s waist, just above his hips. Luke was a much bigger man and Alex had to stretch a little to brush a kiss over his lips, hovering, breathing, letting Luke decide.

  Luke kissed him again, this time with less fury. Their mouths eased apart. Alex licked his lips, letting his tongue flicker lightly along Luke’s mouth, and the next kiss was deeper. When they pulled away from each other, Luke’s gaze burned brightly to match the two high spots of color in his cheeks, but he seemed a little calmer.

  “Why did you pick me up last night?” Luke asked.

  Alex shrugged, not letting go of his waist. “I was drunk. You’re hot. You looked interested. I’m indiscriminate.”

  “I don’t know what that means,” Luke said again, sounding defeated.

  “It means I fuck a lot of guys.”

  Luke’s brow furrowed. “But women, too?”

  “Yes. I’m an equal opportunity slut.” Alex laughed, but ruefully, the humor not enough to take away the sting of naming that truth.

  “So, there wasn’t something about me?”

  Alex frowned. “Like what? Something special? If you’re asking me if we had some kind of ‘connection’ — ”

  “No! I mean, no, that’s not what I mean,” Luke added quickly. “I just meant that I didn’t seem like a fag.”

  “Don’t,” Alex replied coldly, “say it like that.”

  He pushed Luke a few steps back from him. This had been a mistake, fuck his life. And how could he be surprised? It’s what he did, wasn’t it? Let his dick rule his head. Make stupid choices. Try to do the right thing and fuck that all up, too.