Don't Deny Me Page 20

  She should let it go, Alice told herself and took a long drink of lemonade to wash out the bitterness. She turned her face to the sun to soak in the golden glory. She was on vacation, dammit, and she wasn’t going to spoil it with any kind of angst and woe. Beside, didn’t she know better now than to expect more from Mick than whatever he had to offer. Hadn’t she learned her lesson about getting all worked up about something that didn’t have to be such a big deal?

  It wasn’t as though she’d never had a fuck buddy before. A casual lover. Friends with benefits. Oh, since Mick there’d been one or two serious relationships, one that had seemed destined for a white dress and a walk down the aisle, but it hadn’t worked out. And because there was a curse to being self-aware, Alice had to admit it was because that although Brad had been a great guy who treated her well and they’d had a lot in common, when it came to fireworks it might as well have been rain every Fourth of July.

  With Mick, it had always been fireworks.

  Things had been strained between them since the fight about her trip to the beach. Nothing she could point out specifically, but a pervasive tension that left every conversation tasting slightly sour. They’d spent the night together before she’d left for Rehoboth. Dinner. A movie. He’d put air in all her tires and filled her car with gas and changed all the fluids, though she’d told him that she was only driving to Wendy’s house and would make the rest of the trip with her and Raj and the kids. He’d insisted on doing it anyway, as well as updating her GPS even though it took forever and she would far rather have spent the time with him doing something more … fun.

  They’d had sex, of course. And it had been good. Better than that, amazing, really. Mick had spent an hour getting her off, three times before she’d begged him for a break. They’d slept tangled together and woke before dawn to make love again.

  When it came time for her to leave, Alice had kissed his mouth and clung to him, squeezing hard. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “Nah,” Mick said. “You’re going to be having too much fun. Me, too, at the lake. Before you know it, we’ll both be home.”

  It was not the reply she’d hoped for, though she’d be damned if she told him that. It shouldn’t grate at her, but it did. So much, in fact, that she’d turned off her ringer this morning and left her phone in a drawer instead of taking it with her. Too bad she couldn’t turn off her brain.

  Not even the sun could burn away the images of Mick in Alice’s mind. The salt breeze tickling the fringes on her bikini top reminded her of his questing fingers and oh, God, his tongue. The splash of chilly water on her thighs when she got up to test the water wasn’t any better. If anything, it only exacerbated the feeling of not having been touched by Mick in three long days.

  “I’m going to walk up to the boardwalk and get some fries. Wanna come along?” Alice asked Wendy, who’d spent an hour or so in the water, body surfing waves with the kids.

  “Hell, yes. And I think we need a beer. Or two.” Dripping and slightly sunburned, Wendy gave her husband a significant look. “Hold down the fort, it’s sister-bonding time.”

  “Can I come, Mama?”

  Wendy gave Mallory a fond look and tweaked her nose. “Nope, kiddo. Me and Auntie Alice are going to eat bad food, drink some grown-up drinks, and check out the cute lifeguards.”

  Mallory made a face. “Okay. Gross.”

  “Bring me back some fries, babe,” Raj said as Wendy leaned to give him a kiss. “Before you run off with a lifeguard, anyway.”

  Wendy laughed. “Sure thing, ding-a-ling.”

  Watching her sister bend to kiss her husband of nine years, Alice, for the first time, felt a pang of envy at her sister’s life. Sure, Wendy and Raj had their share of arguments, but her brother-in-law clearly adored his wife. And told her so, never making her have to guess, Alice thought, barely managing not to slice herself open on her own jealousy.

  “I’m glad you married Raj.”

  Wendy gave her a glance as they navigated the steps from the sand onto the boardwalk. “Me too, most days. But I’m glad to hear you are, too.”

  “He’s a good guy,” Alice said.

  “Yes. I got lucky. Hey, I’m starving,” Wendy said, pointing at a sign on one of the many restaurants lining the boardwalk. “And I think instead of a beer I’m going to have a frozen margarita. Because apparently, that’s what ladies do.”

  “Ladies love frozen drinks.” Alice read the sign aloud and laughed. “Well, I do, and I guess I’m a lady. Let’s do it.”

  Instead of fries, they ordered a plate of nachos and some margaritas and sat under a pretty umbrella with the ocean air cooling them. People watching. Hanging out. Relaxing.

  “So,” Wendy said when the conversation had gone from the style of bathing suits some people really shouldn’t wear to the hazards and joys of day drinking to whether or not their parents were going to insist they all go out to dinner at some crowded restaurant instead of grilling in the rented house’s backyard and how they could convince them otherwise. “What’s up?”

  Alice sipped carefully and licked her lips, tasting salt. The flavor was too much like tears, dammit. She should’ve ordered something sweet, not tangy. “I think it’s over with Mick.”

  “Why, did he stop answering your texts and stuff again? What a jerk.”

  Alice grimaced, appreciating her sister’s outrage, though Wendy was off-base. “No. He answers my texts, at least he does that. We had a fight about me coming here. He thought I’d be going to Bernie’s, but he didn’t even ask me.”

  “You could’ve asked him to come along with us.”

  Alice shook her head. “Ugh. No. Not so last minute, and besides, it would’ve been super awkward for him to meet Mom and Dad here.”

  “Yeah. I guess so.” Wendy swirled the melting margarita in her glass. “How bad was the fight? I mean, bad enough to break up with him?”

  “Not because of the fight, though it’s pretty typical of the way he assumes things.” Alice frowned. “I told him I was going to miss him, and once again, he gave me some lame-ass answer about how we’d both be having too much fun to miss each other. And I thought … really? After all this time, he still can’t just tell me something so simple? It’s stupid.”

  Wendy was silent for a few seconds. “It’s not stupid if it makes you feel bad. Have you told him?”

  “Yes. Of course I have. At least, I think I have.” Alice shook her head. “I feel like I tell him all the time, and he doesn’t listen. Or get it. Or maybe I’m not being clear, shit, I don’t know anymore. All I know is that he says he wants me. But it’s not enough, you know? Wanting. I want a lot of things, that doesn’t mean I’m meant to have them.”

  “Ugh.” Wendy rolled her eyes.

  “I told myself I could just do the ‘fun’ thing. That it didn’t have to mean more, or become more. But it’s always been more with him, that’s the problem.” Alice paused. “I was doing okay, you know? Without him. I thought about him sometimes, sure, but then he swept back in my life and I’m on some kind of magic-cock carpet ride!”

  For a moment, neither sister said a word. Then they both burst into hysterical laughter. Better that than hysterical tears, Alice thought. Shit.

  Alice finished her margarita and let the frozen liquid settle in her belly. “He’s never, ever going to give me what I want, Wendy. He’s just … not. Maybe he can’t. All I know is that he says he wants me, but he won’t tell me he misses me. And he does not love me.”

  They both were silent for a minute. Wendy stirred her drink, looking sad but saying nothing. Alice appreciated the silence.

  “Have you asked him?” Wendy said finally. “If he loves you, I mean.”

  “I asked him once to tell me how he felt about me,” Alice said flatly. “And he said that he loved me on some level. I will never ask him again.”

  “I remember,” Wendy said quietly.

  “I never want to go through that again. Ever. It was horrifying.”

/>   “I don’t blame you.”

  “And now it would be worse than the first time around, because see, I already know how it felt when it ended. How the whole world turned gray. How losing him destroyed me. And I won’t be that girl again, Wendy. I can’t. It was too much. I can’t invest myself in someone else that much again, and especially not Mick.”

  Alice was quiet. Wendy frowned. Alice shrugged.

  “You should tell him you love him, Alice. See what he says. At least give him a chance. Then if it ends, at least you said it, and maybe …” Wendy cleared her throat and sat up a little bit. “Maybe it won’t take you ten years to get over him. Maybe this time you could just move on.”

  Alice gave her sister a look of horror that hardly had to be exaggerated. “He might be shit with telling me how he feels about me, but maybe he’s got the right idea about not saying anything. I don’t need to make a fool out of myself over Mick McManus again.”

  “But … you do. Don’t you? Love him,” Wendy said.

  Alice again stayed quiet. Her throat closed. Her eyes burned.

  “You should tell him, Alice. Maybe he’ll surprise you. And if he doesn’t … at least you’d know for sure. You wouldn’t have to wonder.”

  “I was stupid, wasn’t I? To think that just because time had passed that it would be different this time?”

  “You weren’t stupid, honey. You’re in love. Okay, maybe that’s the same thing,” Wendy said with a small laugh.

  Alice shook her head. “But I don’t want to be!”

  “Guess what,” Wendy said. “You don’t have a choice. It just happens to you, and you can’t do anything about it.”

  “I do have a choice. I can stop seeing him. End it before it’s too late.”

  “That’s not going to make you feel better, Alice!” Wendy looked sad. “You’re crazy about him. You know you are.”

  “Yeah,” Alice said bitterly, “and Mick is just having fun.”

  * * *

  Knock Knock.

  Who’s there?

  Nobody.

  Nobody, who?

  *Silence*

  —Alice to Mick

  * * *

  The party at Bernie’s had been great, of course, lots of food and drinks and fun. But empty, for Mick at least. No Alice to sneak into his bedroom at night or greet him over coffee in the morning.

  No Alice for the whole week after, either, while she was at the beach. He’d texted her several times throughout the weekend, but got no answer. He’d called and left a few messages, but with no answer to those, he’d stopped. For the first time, Mick understood why, exactly, Alice got so bent out of shape when he didn’t reply to her right away. Still, the longer it went on, the more deliberate it felt, and the more irritated he got. Sure, he might’ve chosen to take his time responding to her messages in the past for one reason or another, and yeah, maybe once in a while he still didn’t answer her immediately, but he’d never gone this long while deliberately ignoring her.

  She was due home Saturday, but he didn’t know what time, only that they’d have to check out of their rental house sometime in the morning. Add in summer traffic and he figured she’d be back by the afternoon. So when dinner time rolled around and he hadn’t yet heard from her, Mick put on his big-boy briefs and called her again.

  This time, she answered. “Hey.”

  “Hey! Are you home?” He didn’t want to admit the feeling rushing through him was relief. That he’d started thinking maybe she simply was never going to answer him again, that it wouldn’t be ten years without Alice this time, but the rest of his life.

  She sounded tired. “Yeah. About an hour ago. Traffic was brutal. I rode with Wendy and her husband and kids, we stopped about a million times for the bathroom and to eat, just to break up the trip, but we were still in standstill traffic for hours. I’m wiped out. I took a shower and I’m heading for bed. So much stuff to do tomorrow before I go back to work.”

  “I want to see you,” Mick blurted. Silence was his answer. He listened to her breathing. Certain she was going to say no, his stomach dropped.

  He didn’t like this, whatever was going on. Something felt off. Something wasn’t right. But then she sighed.

  “Sure. But you’ll have to come over here. I’m not driving anymore today.”

  “I’ll be there in an hour,” he promised, knowing the drive usually took at least an hour twenty.

  She was quiet for a couple of seconds. “You could wait until tomorrow, Mick. It’s only one more day.”

  “I can’t wait another day to see you.”

  More silence. He imagined her smile, though could hear nothing of it in her voice. “Okay.”

  It did indeed take him only an hour to get to Alice’s house. He’d brought along a bottle of wine, though it was probably too late now to drink it. A bag of chips and container of dip, because that was all he had in the kitchen. When she opened the door, all he could think about was kissing her, but instead he held out the bag.

  “I brought this for you.”

  Alice smiled and let him in. She took the wine and peeked at the chips. “Are you hungry?”

  He did kiss her then, thinking that was a better answer. She moaned when he touched her; when he dug his fingers into the hair at the back of her skull and tugged, her eyes went glazed and dreamy, and his cock got hard. He loved watching her get turned on by something so simple as his touch. No woman had ever responded to him that way.

  He’d stopped wanting any other woman to.

  “Upstairs,” he breathed into her mouth. “Now.”

  Alice broke the kiss for a second, looking hesitant, but only for the second or two it took for her to lick her lips. She nodded and turned, looking over her shoulder with another inscrutable glance. Mick followed, already thinking of getting her out of the silky pajama bottoms and tank top.

  In her bedroom, Alice sat on the edge of the bed. Mick went to his knees in front of her. She let out a small, startled laugh.

  He lifted one bare foot and held it tight so she couldn’t squirm away. Making sure she was looking into his eyes, he kept her gaze as he kissed each toe. Then the other foot. By the time he was done, they were both breathing hard. Moving his hands up her legs and thighs, over the silky fabric, he found the heat of her center.

  He had missed her so damned much that finally being with her was … overwhelming. Shit, it was strangling him, almost, this desire to make love to her. Not just that, but to make her feel good. To make her scream and moan and cry his name. To make her want him as much as he wanted her, which was all the time and in every way.

  He kissed her through the fabric, first her thighs. Then the juncture between them. Her scent made him harder. He needed to taste her.

  Mick hooked his fingers in the waistband of her bottoms and pulled them down. Still kneeling between her parted legs, he bent to kiss her bare flesh. Alice jerked at the touch of his tongue. At the press of his lips, she moaned. When he parted her to ease a finger inside her while he sucked gently on her clit, her hand found the top of his head.

  It was too much effort to work his belt and zipper open while he made love to her with his mouth, sweet torture for his cock to press against the denim, and Mick couldn’t decide which he wanted more. To make Alice come under his tongue or to get his cock in his fist while he did it.

  Her pussy swelled under his kiss, the tight walls clutching at his finger when he stroked upward. She was already rolling her hips and pushing against him. Close. He could tell. Her taste flooded him, making his head spin. Urging him to moan her name, a command or a plea, he couldn’t be sure, only that he wanted and needed to know he was making her feel good.

  Her body tensed and twitched. She cried out, shaking. Her clit pulsed under his lips, and he eased the stroking as he slipped his finger free of her clutching flesh. With both hands free, he got himself undone, his cock leaping into his waiting fist for a few strokes before he sat back to look at her.

  She wasn’t looki
ng at him. She lay back on the bed, one arm flung over her eyes. Her chest rose and fell rapidly with her breathing.

  So fucking beautiful.

  Mick shucked out of his jeans and briefs and T-shirt, tossing them to the side and crawling up over her. He slid his cock over her clit. Back and forth, teasing, until she moaned again. Alice opened her eyes and reached for him.

  “Kiss me,” she said.

  He kissed her. Sweet, hard, tongues sliding. She moved her hips. She was so slick and wet he moved easily against her. And then, with a small and subtle shift of their bodies, unexpected, he was inside her.

  He should hold out, he thought, but was helpless to stop. Not with her moving underneath him that way. Her fingers digging into his back. Her legs hooked behind his thighs, pushing him to fuck into her harder. Deeper. Faster.

  He’d wanted this to last, this first time after more than a week without her. There was no drawing this out, no holding off. When Alice sank her teeth into his shoulder, Mick lost himself. Her body tensed around him, and he gave up trying to hold off. He was looking at her when he came, but Alice’s eyes were closed.

  He rolled off her, still breathing hard. Beside him, Alice was silent. She didn’t roll to cuddle against him, so he turned his head.

  “Why?” Alice asked so softly he barely had to wake to mumble an answer.

  “Why what?”

  “Why couldn’t you wait until tomorrow to see me?”

  Mick smiled, half dreaming, and reached with one clumsy hand to pull her closer. When her warmth had pressed against him, he kissed her hair. “Because I wanted you.”

  “That’s all?” Alice murmured. “You wanted me?”

  Mick smiled again, nuzzling into her. Warm and sated and filled with her taste and scent and the general glory of being with her. “What more is there, other than wanting you?”

  * * *

  Let me paint my name upon your skin with my lips and teeth and hands and tongue, you won’t regret the song we sing when we both come undone.